Carrion Captain's Crown

Getting the band back together

Justice has been delayed too long, we must ensure that Iomedae guides the swift boot of righteousness into the ass of the wicked! It is early in the morning and the coffee only begins to pulse through my veins as I sit at the keyboard this chilly morning waiting for the sun to rise over the canyon wall, so I am short on both memory and inspiration to fully remember the events that last transpired in our characters lives and elucidate most foolishly on them. Leave it to say that Slickback looks forward to Monday night and delving deep into the history of this ‘Beast’ so he may defend the defenseless, speak for the silent, craft cunning analogies, and alliterate the actions of all. Forward…to fame, justice, and stacking the babes like blueberry pancakes at the IHOP. The boys are back in town and that can only mean one thing…

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What is this play about?

These people are messed up!!
This must be what their home lives are like:
“Hey honey, let’s go to the theater and watch people be tortured.”
“No, dear, that has just gotten so boring.”
“But honey, in this one they make them swim around in acid!!”
“Well how could I say no to that, dear, let’s go. I want to get good seats to smell as well as hear the painful moments.”
I don’t know how Iomedae is going to forgive me for this one. Given my track record I’m amazed she still put’s up with my crap.
The chick that joined up in the belly of the acid beast better be into me, I mean way into me, for all that crap. I know I am supposed to be all “grateful” and shit that they resurrected Grigore, but EEEXXXCCCUSSSSSSEEE MMEEEEE if I ain’t. Who knows what they would have done with his body if I had let them take it off the stage, probably let dogs tear it apart for entertainment during the intermission. I’ve been through too much with that priest of a lesser god, waffle iron or no, to just laugh it off. More and more I’m looking forward to Vanter disjointing that jaw of his and eating some ‘theater goers, producers, and writers’. Well, at least Rogan and I were able to deal with the acid fairly well and now that we made some money I think I am going to pay for Lazlo to take some pitching lessons. There has to be an out of work Little League coach who can teach him a thing or two about ACCURACY!

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No, it's okay. Stick it there too

“Damn it man. I’m a Paladin not a pincushion,” I thought as the damnable iron maiden slammed shut around me. Then Iomedae had to get a cheap shot in and have one of the ‘spikes’ get me in the nuts. Everyone laughed as I crawled away but damn it if that didn’t hurt like hell. I don’t know what it was about me, maybe I had ‘Stick it in me’ written on my forehead or something, but then that ghost kept pricking me with magic missiles too. You know, it wasn’t as if the whole ‘He can’t open a door without Vanter’ thing wasn’t embarrassing enough BUT I spent most of the ‘epic battle’ being cured by Grigore or healing myself. Just standing there, “Hey, I Laid Hands on myself, how about a little help.” We should have just got a fire going and made some tea at the same time, maybe we could have crocheted some doilies. Anyways, at least the battle is won and I… I am happy about that and all but I had kind of pictured myself slaying evil not watching evil die with a bunch of people hunched around a book tearing pages out of it! Who kills evil by tearing up a book? Not anyone that anybody remembers, that’s for sure. Well, I am ahead of myself and I should back up and let you know that we did find the freaking keys and given the other option, I’d like to think that the Warden ate them before he was tortured and killed. We also figured out what that creepy Father Charlatan guy was all about, not cool dude, not cool. Kudos on the priest for taking care of that freak. Watching him follow Lazlo around like a pedophile at an Easter parade was more than a little disturbing. Well, our work here is done and I for one feel a little let down. I’ve grown to enjoy our little band of adventurers and as long as that lizard doesn’t learn how to unhinge his jaw I’d like party down with him slaying some badass evil mofo’s on a most regular basis. And, even if Lazlo can’t hit the side of a basilisk with one of those bombs I’m sure he could grow up one day and at least get it in the right square. Maybe…One day…A long time from now…Maybe. Then again, maybe he could be a relief pitcher for the Yankees. At least the sound effect domain specialist wizard can hit anything, all the time, with her ‘Pew pew’ missles, kind of like the way Rogan always seems to hit the hand on the head with his arrows. Speaking of which, I got to mess up a hand myself, that was cool, way cool. I’d also like to think that we could get the town to party down with our funky selves to celebrate the end of The Haunting of Harrowstone. Something tells me they are more of the hearty handshake and, “Thanks, thanks a lot,” kind of people. Boring.

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Playing if off
That hangover was a killer. I was pretty happy when they didn’t follow me up the stairs the other day, I just didn’t realize it would take to so long to sleep that one off. When I found the party they had just had a furious battle with more stirges, Vanter was hurting, and I was sure my ruse was up but everyone seemed rather happy to see me back and Grigore suggested it might have something to do with hookers. I’d thank the good priest for that, but it might offend his god and given the massive healing his god keeps bestowing upon me I think I’ll just keep quiet. Praise Iomedae and all that, but Pharasma is damn fine by me these days. I wonder if she’s got a sister. My disappearance took a bit of a back seat when Vanter lured in another stirge. Wait, let me restate that…he lured in the biggest freaking blood sucking pig of a stirge I have ever seen. Freaky man, freaky. Well at least the biggest I’d seen until a minute later when another one of these genetically modified stirges latched onto Lazlo. I have to admit I nearly laughed hard enough to pee in my Armour at the way the little guy screamed. Whatever lingering effects I was feeling from the whiskey got driven out by that piercing wail. You would have though Justin Bieber just showed up for a dream date with some preteen banshee. During my nap they found a wizard named Rizelda and some random guy. He’s already dead so you know, he’s a hero and everything for saving the village. What a wizard named Rizelda and some random dead guy were doing walking around the prison one can only wonder, but I bet I can guess!! Then that night we met Rogan, for some reason I keep wanting to call him Seth. Must be a parallel universe planar outsider thing. He’s one of those goody two shoes type paladins, I think I might have to start changing my underwear now that he’s around. Anyways, it was good to feel back in the saddle until I nearly died at the hands of some freaking jello beasts. Ectoplasmic entities the smart people call them, but I know jello when I see it and this was a walking talking pack of Fuck a Paladin Up flavored jello. Lets just say I wasn’t running away frightened, just trying to lure them away from the party so no one else got hurt. What can I say, I am that kind of guy, I care. Well, we made it down into the pits where I nearly got killed AGAIN. It’s like god hates me or something and gods name is Brent, I mean why’s everyone gotta hate a roll playa like me? Hate the mechanics of the game system, not the player Oh, and one last thing. The damn keys don’t open shit, that’s fucked up. Probably going to have to go back down in that hole again and smite some evil. At least I got that going for me, which is nice. There better be a pack of smokes down there too, I’m almost out.
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From the Personal Journal of Dr. Lazlo DonBravan, D.A.S, D.A.A, D.N.S
From Lazlo's Journal

Ravengro unt Harrowshtone are most definitively suffering from ze ravages of reztless zpiritz. A condition vich hazt drawn ze attentions of ze Vishpering Vey. It remains unklear as to ze goalz off zis foul zecret order off Necromansherz, I am convinshed zat ze Harrowing of Ravengro is NOT ze primary objective off ze Vishpering Vey, but a collateral evvect off zseir Necromanntik machinations.

Recently, a brave band of adventurers haff proven invaluable in inveshtigating ze occurranzes of Hauntings unt ze attacks off ze risen dead. I haff come to rely heavily upon ze Paladin Zhlikbahk, ze Cleric Grijorri, a zerpentman varrior named Vanter, unt ze apparent begrudging unt reluktandt help off ze Halvling Romanak. Our inveshtigations haff borne fruit.

Five vile and condemned villains did meet zeir end during the riot unt fire vich sent Harrowshtone to its downfall. It is my theory zat ze zpiritz off zeze five villains are not only the cause of the troubles befalling ze town of Ravengro, but ze zource off Necromanntik dishturbance zat ze Vishpering Vey wishes to exzploit! More exploration off ze Prizon is necessary iff ve are to unravel zis mystery unt confoundt ze machinations of ze Vispehring Vey before ze cause zhevere unt lasting harm to Ravengro.

As Alveyz, I remain
Doctor Lazlo DonBravan, D.A.S, D.A.A, D.N.S.

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Brent's Birthday Dungeon

Tonight’s game may or may not be replaced this week with Brent’s Birthday Dungeon! :-)

I present to you the opening scene for your anticipatory enjoyment!
__
You are dragged roughly, bound and gagged, from your prison cell into the king’s chamber. As the headsman removes the stinking bag that was covering your head, you notice you are in the company of other prisoners, also bound and gagged. As you lay on the floor, you can turn your head in your steel bindings just enough to see the king as he pronounces his verdict.
“For your crimes, you are hereby banished to Dungeon of Thule until such time as you retrieve for me the Blackflame Sphere of Annihilation!”
Without further ado, the court wizard steps forward and begins casting.
Suddenly you feel a lurching in your stomach, and the rush of air past your still-gagged face. As your chained body rotates through the air you see yourself falling into what looks like the crater of a volcano – if a volcano had gargantuan tentacles flailing from it’s sides and was made of a blue-grey fleshy substance. As you approach the crater rapidly you realize that it isn’t a crater so much as a maw filled with girating teeth funneling into a void of utter darkness.
Please roll a reflex saving throw, and don’t forget that in your bound and gagged condition, your effective Dexterity is 1…

I’m so excited! See you guys tonight!!!!!!

Brent

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Praise unto the vanquishers of the undead
The final dying death of the undead dangles in the air as I write. Today, we touched the face of evil and came away even prettier than before. We are so awesome. I feel I have found my calling, for years I looked for it amongst unwed mothers and orphanage nuns. Now Iomedae has shown me the way and the way is the way of slaying the undead! I was lost but now I am found, I was blind but now I slay the dead with righteous anger. I may travel the valley of death but I fear no evil, for Tammy Fae Baker is riding shotgun beside me, her makeup my shield. Oh, where have the days gone? It was only yesterday when the odd knocking at Kendra’s door led me down this sweet path of rotten flesh slashing and brittle bone bashing. First fell the zombies, then I stood toe to toe with the lividity that was once Proffessor Lorimar’s corpse, but was risen only for me to strike it down with the great fury of justifiable violence. Like so many blades of grass underneath the lawnmower of justice I laid the undead low. Then I continued onto the town meeting, and into Harrowstone like a John Deere dealing death to the undead skulls of flaming. Somewhere along the way I pledged to help the town and made some kind of inspirational speech. I’m not sure what I was thinking, it just kind of happened. May have had a bit too much to drink. Really not that important, but I think some of the fine young ladies about were checking out my awesome Aasimar while we patrolled the town earlier today. On another note, our group seems to be coming together, we are a delight to the citizenry of Ravegro and a scourge to evil. I find myself almost able to understand the strange utterances of Dr. Lazlo. I was amazed to find he actually does make sense! Grigore may be a bit cautious on his own account, but comes to the aid of Vanteer as fearlessly as the lizard man faces down the faceless faces of death that come before his mighty menacing battle blade (and shield, let’s face it, that thing is freaking huge!). Then there is the matter of that little boy who keeps insisting on killing us, cutting off our kneecaps, or some such violence. “I’m a Halfling,” he says,” I’m a Halfling. You’re all prejudiced against me.” Not really little trooper, as it says in the Iomedae’s thirteenth letter to the fifteen followers of the sixteen ways on the seventh day of the tenth month in the year of four spotted cows-“Know this, that those who trip five year old girls are prone to falling prone themselves and who so doeth this in my name shall stand tall amongst the shoulders of the short.” Every time he seeks to abandon us I grow hopeful, but then he reappears. I look forward to ‘Laying Hands’ on him in the near future.
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Fear and loathing in Ravengro

Day 5
The day began in a most horrifying manner, our dear departed friend professor Lorrimar appeared at the door. It wasn’t really the professor but his re-animated corpse and it was sent along with several others to send us to the bonepile it seems. Fortunately we were able to overcome them in time to make it to the town meeting(which I was certain was a ruse to get us to the gallows or worse, the burning stake). Even without the townsfolk burning us at the stake, the meeting proved to be dangerous enough. Just after the good paladin offered our services to the town, we were attacked by flaming flying demonic skulls. Dispatching the skulls proved easy enough, putting out the fires they started not so much. We did manage to prevent the entire town hall from burning and that I believe may have aided us in gaining some small amount of favor from the townsfolk.

Day 6
My idea to patrol the town to find some clue as to what has been going on was a failure. We patrolled all day and found nothing. In the evening the party decided it would be best to go back to Harrowstone and seek the spirit that has been seen haunting the east wing. Why oh why did I let them talk me into coming back to this foul place? Upon entering the very first room the doors slammed closed and began to scream at us. Luckily I was on the outside when the doors closed. Using one of the eldrich glass vials the others were able to destroy the screaming doors. Lazlo then went into one of the adjacent rooms only to be attacked by a freezing spirit of some sort. Allowing the positive energy of Pharasma to flow through me I wounded the spirit and Slick finished it off with another one of the strange vials. Romanic entered the next room and was attacked by more of the flaming skulls. I panicked and shot one of the demonic skulls. Pharasma must have guided my hands, for the skull was destroyed. If we make it out of here alive, it will be a miracle.

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The halfling and the hogtied man...

Damn it all but this is getting rather interesting. I am happy to say I have survived another unfortunate series of events. I also find it awkward to admit that I have eaten Wolf Balls, and that I like them. The last few days have flown by and have been most productive as well. The turning event came unexpectedly when the good Dr.s and myself were attacked by vile blood sucking ex-wives (or Stirges as they call them locally) at the local tavern. Their attacks were as relentless as a swarm of hippies begging spare change. After fighting them off and slurping down several salty juicy balls with tasty ales the locals began to warm up to us. It took a day of rest to fully recuperate and then doors really began to open for us, literally. First at the Town Hall where we were allowed access to the cities records and then later at the local school where the kids skip rope to a most unusual rhyme. Strange doors also opened at the local graveyard where our resident troublemaker stirred up the undead. Given his propensity for threatening to kill us in our sleep, or (at the least) cutting out my tongue, I found it strange that Vanteer would go to his aid. Perhaps he had hoped to snack on some ‘aged’ meat. A mystical door also opened for our Dr. Vulpes as well, who persuaded us to visit the memorial where strange necromancy had occurred. I thought little of it when we left the nuisance halfling there that fateful evening, and thought less of it when I was awoken in the dark hours to find him with a hog tied man bleeding in his room. Why I was not surprised that the halfling would have a hog tied man in his room I do not know, and must give more thought to that later. The child sized thing continued to insult and threaten me as I prepared to fetch the law, his death threat count far exceeds the silver in my pocket. I have come up with a new game, every time he threatens to kill one of us I will take a shot of whiskey, however, I may not be sober for the next month! I spent no time wasting words with the Sheriff as I led him back to the house. He was kind enough to allow me to assist him with his investigation and was surprised to find that the halfing’s words have a ring of truth to them. I was also given a brief reprise from him when he was placed in protective custody for a short while. Praise be to Iomedae if the nuisance finds himself needing more ‘protection’ in the near future! Given his propensity for foolishness I am sure this will be soon. At least he had the decency to not kill this man Gibs, the morrow promises to be even more interesting. I believe we are headed to Harrowstone before too long, I must look into renting a chipper should we be assaulted by hoes.

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The nightmare continues

day 4 in Ravengro,
The day began quietly enough. Our scaley friend Vantter and myself set off to visit father Grimburrow to try and repair our much damaged reputation in Ravengro. Unfortunately, that fiendish hellion Romanic tagged along and wouldn’t you know it, before we could finish Romanic had attacked the kindly old priest. luckily for us it was only a verbal attack, accusing Grimburrow of prejudice against halflings(like anyone in this town still believes Romanic to be only halfling). We managed to avert disaster by dragging the fiend off and tying him to a gravestone. Unfortunately (I seem to use that word far too often when I speak of Romanic) the sly little devil managed to slip his ropes and animate three of the dead and resting villagers. As luck would have it, only one attack us the other two turned on their summoner. I must say watching Romanic in battle only confirms my suspicions, for no mere halfing could dispense so much damage so effortlessly. Despite all the interuptions we did manage to get a fare bit of work done in the cemetery. Near dusk the entire group decided to go down and investigate the memorial by the river. Upon close inspection we found someone had written the letter “V” in blood on the statue (could it be referring to the late wardens wife vesoriana?). We hid under the bridge for a couple of hours hoping to catch whoever was marking the statue, but alas it was not meant to be. We made our way to our beds only to be awakened again by Romanic( does that foul thing ever sleep?) carrying a tied and near dead villager up the stair in Kendra’s lovely home. With all of Pharasma’s blessings I was barely able to save the poor mans life. Thanks to the quick thinking of our level headed Paladin named slickback, the sheriff arrived and arrested Romanic. Now perhaps we can all get a good night sleep without that fiendish sneak creeping about. I fear it was only a matter of time before he skulked into one(if not all) of our rooms and slit someones throat while they slept.

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